Feeling overwhelmed

I don't think I have ever felt this bad and good at the same time before.

I would say that, despite my 1st day on my SubI being relatively low key, I am already feeling pretty stressed out. And this is day 1 of 30...

Today, I woke up at 5 to round at 6, then hung out in the OR until about 4:30, but didn't do much except for watch people operate in a hole that I could not see into. I hate being the 3rd wheel on thoracotomies. Basically, you watch people's hands move around, but you can't see any of the important stuff the fingers are doing. Oh, and I failed at cutting sutures about 4 times in a row because I was holding the Metzes upside down. I cannot help it if I have not been in the OR in about 9 months. Then, the fellow let the PA close, even though he wasn't even in the effing case. The PA comes in from the other room as we are about to start closing, and the attending let's him close with the fellow! WTF?! I don't effing stand around for 4 hours doing nothing to.... do nothing. I do it so I can help close the damn case. And then to add insult to injury, I watch the PA lock the running dermals five times in a row, and then do some weird double-locked stitch that I didn't previously think was possible. AND HE DIDN'T GET CAUGHT. Don't get me wrong, because the PA is one of my favorite people on the team so far, but I was just a little disappointed.

I got to go home around 6:45, then went out for a run around 7:10. Came home at 8:25, stretched, showered, made dinner, and ate it. Now it's 9:30. I need to go to bed soon because I'm on call tomorrow, and rounds are at 5:30 and I need to be in at 5:00 to preround. This means getting up around... 4:10. IN THE MORNING. THIS IS ONLY 6 AND A HALF HOURS FROM NOW. AND I HAVEN'T STARTED MY WORK.

I need to check the OR schedule and quickly review the procedures, I need to work on my ERAS residency application, and I need to do some damn research for this project that should have been done years ago. Also, I asked a prof for a letter of recommendation, and she said yes verbally, but now I'm emailing her and I haven't heard back.

I'm overwhelmed and tired and just want to go to sleep.

But at the same time, I kind of feel so good. I did a double tempo run tonight - warmup + half hour tempo run + 5 min slower pace + half hour tempo run + cooldown. I'm lying in bed right now and everything is kind of buzzing from my waist down. All my muscles are a little sore and tired, and I really need a personal masseuse, but as I'm laying here, it feels painful in a really good way....

::sigh:: just needed to vent. I'd post pictures of my toe, which I am sure does not look like it should, but I am too tired. The differential right now is black toenail that will fall off vs. blister underneath the toenail with unclear prognosis.